As I discussed my quandary with a friend, she said, “Well, why don’t you try a different kind of blog?” At first, I resisted – I mean, here I’ve spent time and energy trying to build up a following for one thing, and now I’m going back to square one?

But that line of thinking alone clued me in: Building a following shouldn’t be goal #1 (especially when I don’t have a business plan to speak of). I need blogging to be an artistic outlet for me. I was hemming myself in by trying too hard to tightly define “This blog is about X” so that I could define it easily, market it easily… but I wasn’t having any fun. And that sucks.

So I came up with an alter-ego to jump-start my creativity and give me permission to do whatever the hell I want; and I found a new sandbox that I am thoroughly enjoying. Alter-ego: Mandy Miracle. Playspace: Tumblr. Check it out. I can’t promise this will last, but if it doesn’t, I promise to tell you about my next adventure.

“The quest for work you love – it all begins with the two simple questions: Who am I? and What in the world am I doing here?”

- Laurence G. Boldt in How to Find the Work You Love

Ah, yes – the “simple” questions. Right up there with “Want fries with that?” – “What is my purpose on this earth?”

Who are you? Want fries with that?

I don’t know my purpose just yet, but I figure the best way to find it is by living mindfully. For me, that means striving to align my external existence with my inner one. Whenever I feel like something in my external life is hollow – that I’m just going through the motions with it – I know it’s time to make a change, large or small.

Lately, I’ve been feeling this way with my professional life. I care about the work I’m doing, but it’s not why I was put on this earth. It doesn’t fulfill a purpose that’s unique to me.

I don’t know what I want to do instead – what I should be doing. I have glimmers, and impulses – but no answers. Not yet. I know I can’t rush the answers, but it’s hard – I get impatient.

One thing I find myself fantasizing about is a collaborative, creative space with other improvisers, video artists, writers, designers, musicians — all of our work fueling each other, hybrids forming, ideas bubbling… Plays, performance art, video projects, jam sessions, open mics, and who-knows-what else…of course, I have no idea how we could earn a living from this, or how I could. But it’s a recurring theme, as dreams of mine have gone: creating a space to spark creativity; a haven of sorts, and an incubator, all in one. Maybe there’s even a cafe…

Do you know of any spaces like this? If so, I’d love to hear about them. To be clear, I don’t just mean a co-working space, or shared studio space… I mean sharing space with the explicit purpose of cross-pollination between creative projects.

Let me know what you know!

And while you’re at it, tell me: ‘Want fries with that?

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” – Joseph Campbell

I know old Joey Campbell is right. And I know the challenges I’m facing are nothing compared to what people are experiencing all around the world, this very minute, from the gulf coast to Iraq to the projects just a few blocks away from me.

But I’m only me, and Universe, I’m ready for a breakthrough. I’m ready for a quiet night of sleep. I’m ready for the city of New York to shut the f*ck up for a minute. Can you do that for me, Universe?

I feel it’s emblematic of my week that last night, I went to a meditation class – more like dragged myself, I was so tired – and a rock band was rehearsing directly on the other side of a thin wall. The teacher tried to talk us through peaceful imagery while 10 feet away, someone banged on the drums til I thought my brain might explode, and meanwhile I’m trying to “focus on the space behind my eyes”….

Universe, I’m tired of writing proposals for jobs I don’t get, and I’m tired of not seeing any jobs I want. I’m tired of not knowing what I want to do, or knowing, but not knowing how to get paid for it. I’m tired of giving myself pep talks about the noise and the stench of my apartment building, and I’m tired of looking at expensive apartments that aren’t even nice. I’m tired of not doing improv – really tired of that, and really tired when I think of all the work that lies ahead just to get to the point where I’m performing again, let alone perfoming with a group I believe in.

I’m tired of being tired, Universe.

I brought this on myself. I switched cities, uprooted myself from a rich life in a wonderful community, where none of these questions swirled about. I had a beautiful home, and I was part of things – friendships, improv groups, projects. I was part of a fabric.

And yet something deep inside of me knew I needed to move. And on my first day in this new place, I felt more at home than I ever had before. The way I feel at home on stage.

But these hurdles are more than I bargained for. It’s hard to hold onto myself here, even as parts of myself relax into existence.

I know this will pass. These are growing pains. I’ll sit with the questions, and one day, I’ll understand the answers, and I’ll be stronger for it.

But today, Universe, I could use a helping hand — a helping hand, and a good night’s sleep.

Today I took a Zumba class at Peridance Capezio Center. (If you haven’t heard of Zumba, it’s a mix of Latin dance and aerobics… or, as the New York Times puts it, a “cardio-dance routine.”) I have no formal dance training, and I haven’t done an intense cardio workout….well, ever. So today’s class kicked my butt. But also: It was so much fun.

I looked ridiculous, trying to shake and wiggle and follow the instructor’s moves, but it was engaging, and the music was contagious, and…well, it sounds cheesy, but I was proud of myself for doing it. Proud for pushing myself so far outside my comfort zone.

I still feel spent, 7 hours later – it was intense, and it’s going to be a while before I can take a class that doesn’t knock me out for the rest of the day. But I did it. And sometimes, we just need to show ourselves what we’re capable of.

Here’s a zesty video showing you what Zumba’s all about…

I was transfixed. I can’t remember the last time I was so inspired. I just wanted to keep looking at the pretty pictures.

More than that: I wanted to make the pretty pictures. I wanted to learn how to create striking prints like this one that hangs in my living room:

And not just prints – I want to be able to design postcards, and greeting cards… all the printed materials that transfix me, that have always transfixed me. Here are some of the visual stimuli I keep around for inspiration:

I want to learn all aspects of graphic design, and I want to learn how to translate it to the web.

I’ve wanted to learn web design for a long time – as a producer, not knowing how to execute my own vision has been incredibly frustrating (including here on Tastee Pudding, which does NOT look the way I want it to). It feels like wanting to reach for a paintbrush but realizing you can’t move your arm…

What’s held me back? I’m not sure. I remember sitting with a designer at a past job and watching her deal with layers in Photoshop; it looked like hell. It’s just the kind of detail work that pisses me off.

But my desire to bring into the world the images I see in my mind is getting stronger.

I think it’s time to jump…