As I discussed my quandary with a friend, she said, “Well, why don’t you try a different kind of blog?” At first, I resisted – I mean, here I’ve spent time and energy trying to build up a following for one thing, and now I’m going back to square one?

But that line of thinking alone clued me in: Building a following shouldn’t be goal #1 (especially when I don’t have a business plan to speak of). I need blogging to be an artistic outlet for me. I was hemming myself in by trying too hard to tightly define “This blog is about X” so that I could define it easily, market it easily… but I wasn’t having any fun. And that sucks.

So I came up with an alter-ego to jump-start my creativity and give me permission to do whatever the hell I want; and I found a new sandbox that I am thoroughly enjoying. Alter-ego: Mandy Miracle. Playspace: Tumblr. Check it out. I can’t promise this will last, but if it doesn’t, I promise to tell you about my next adventure.

“The quest for work you love – it all begins with the two simple questions: Who am I? and What in the world am I doing here?”

- Laurence G. Boldt in How to Find the Work You Love

Ah, yes – the “simple” questions. Right up there with “Want fries with that?” – “What is my purpose on this earth?”

Who are you? Want fries with that?

I don’t know my purpose just yet, but I figure the best way to find it is by living mindfully. For me, that means striving to align my external existence with my inner one. Whenever I feel like something in my external life is hollow – that I’m just going through the motions with it – I know it’s time to make a change, large or small.

Lately, I’ve been feeling this way with my professional life. I care about the work I’m doing, but it’s not why I was put on this earth. It doesn’t fulfill a purpose that’s unique to me.

I don’t know what I want to do instead – what I should be doing. I have glimmers, and impulses – but no answers. Not yet. I know I can’t rush the answers, but it’s hard – I get impatient.

One thing I find myself fantasizing about is a collaborative, creative space with other improvisers, video artists, writers, designers, musicians — all of our work fueling each other, hybrids forming, ideas bubbling… Plays, performance art, video projects, jam sessions, open mics, and who-knows-what else…of course, I have no idea how we could earn a living from this, or how I could. But it’s a recurring theme, as dreams of mine have gone: creating a space to spark creativity; a haven of sorts, and an incubator, all in one. Maybe there’s even a cafe…

Do you know of any spaces like this? If so, I’d love to hear about them. To be clear, I don’t just mean a co-working space, or shared studio space… I mean sharing space with the explicit purpose of cross-pollination between creative projects.

Let me know what you know!

And while you’re at it, tell me: ‘Want fries with that?

Here’s what I saw:

I also took this video – I like it better as a soundscape… close your eyes and just listen:

The aesthetic details at Cienfuegos: one of many things that inspired me this week

As an antedote to yesterday’s post – not to nullify it, only to surround it with other things that are also true in my life right now (good old “yes, and”) – I offer up this jumbled list of things that have inspired me in the past week:

• Poetry by Billy Collins
• The latest issue of HOW Design (thanks, @dloehr)
• Stinky, a beautiful food shop in Brooklyn full of beautiful things
• My friends – their strength and grace and humor and spark
• Party Down – good comedy
• Peonies
• Hydrangeas
• My parents’ photos from their trip to Europe – the gardens in southern France, the vistas in Spain
• Defying Gravity
• The beautiful decor and attention to aesthetic detail at Cienfuegos, where we drank pink rum punch served from a shiny silver bowl
• Photos of brownstone apartments
• Volunteers who are helping clean up the BP oil spill
• The “Tweets of Old” Twitter feed – so simple and creative
• Jonsi
• The Artist’s Way – paging through it for inspiration
• And so much more

What inspired you this week?

“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” – Joseph Campbell

I know old Joey Campbell is right. And I know the challenges I’m facing are nothing compared to what people are experiencing all around the world, this very minute, from the gulf coast to Iraq to the projects just a few blocks away from me.

But I’m only me, and Universe, I’m ready for a breakthrough. I’m ready for a quiet night of sleep. I’m ready for the city of New York to shut the f*ck up for a minute. Can you do that for me, Universe?

I feel it’s emblematic of my week that last night, I went to a meditation class – more like dragged myself, I was so tired – and a rock band was rehearsing directly on the other side of a thin wall. The teacher tried to talk us through peaceful imagery while 10 feet away, someone banged on the drums til I thought my brain might explode, and meanwhile I’m trying to “focus on the space behind my eyes”….

Universe, I’m tired of writing proposals for jobs I don’t get, and I’m tired of not seeing any jobs I want. I’m tired of not knowing what I want to do, or knowing, but not knowing how to get paid for it. I’m tired of giving myself pep talks about the noise and the stench of my apartment building, and I’m tired of looking at expensive apartments that aren’t even nice. I’m tired of not doing improv – really tired of that, and really tired when I think of all the work that lies ahead just to get to the point where I’m performing again, let alone perfoming with a group I believe in.

I’m tired of being tired, Universe.

I brought this on myself. I switched cities, uprooted myself from a rich life in a wonderful community, where none of these questions swirled about. I had a beautiful home, and I was part of things – friendships, improv groups, projects. I was part of a fabric.

And yet something deep inside of me knew I needed to move. And on my first day in this new place, I felt more at home than I ever had before. The way I feel at home on stage.

But these hurdles are more than I bargained for. It’s hard to hold onto myself here, even as parts of myself relax into existence.

I know this will pass. These are growing pains. I’ll sit with the questions, and one day, I’ll understand the answers, and I’ll be stronger for it.

But today, Universe, I could use a helping hand — a helping hand, and a good night’s sleep.