My Version of a Prayer
“Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging.” – Joseph Campbell
I know old Joey Campbell is right. And I know the challenges I’m facing are nothing compared to what people are experiencing all around the world, this very minute, from the gulf coast to Iraq to the projects just a few blocks away from me.
But I’m only me, and Universe, I’m ready for a breakthrough. I’m ready for a quiet night of sleep. I’m ready for the city of New York to shut the f*ck up for a minute. Can you do that for me, Universe?
I feel it’s emblematic of my week that last night, I went to a meditation class – more like dragged myself, I was so tired – and a rock band was rehearsing directly on the other side of a thin wall. The teacher tried to talk us through peaceful imagery while 10 feet away, someone banged on the drums til I thought my brain might explode, and meanwhile I’m trying to “focus on the space behind my eyes”….
Universe, I’m tired of writing proposals for jobs I don’t get, and I’m tired of not seeing any jobs I want. I’m tired of not knowing what I want to do, or knowing, but not knowing how to get paid for it. I’m tired of giving myself pep talks about the noise and the stench of my apartment building, and I’m tired of looking at expensive apartments that aren’t even nice. I’m tired of not doing improv – really tired of that, and really tired when I think of all the work that lies ahead just to get to the point where I’m performing again, let alone perfoming with a group I believe in.
I’m tired of being tired, Universe.
I brought this on myself. I switched cities, uprooted myself from a rich life in a wonderful community, where none of these questions swirled about. I had a beautiful home, and I was part of things – friendships, improv groups, projects. I was part of a fabric.
And yet something deep inside of me knew I needed to move. And on my first day in this new place, I felt more at home than I ever had before. The way I feel at home on stage.
But these hurdles are more than I bargained for. It’s hard to hold onto myself here, even as parts of myself relax into existence.
I know this will pass. These are growing pains. I’ll sit with the questions, and one day, I’ll understand the answers, and I’ll be stronger for it.
But today, Universe, I could use a helping hand — a helping hand, and a good night’s sleep.
That was a beautiful prayer, and I think the universe will answer you.
You amaze me, truly. This move in particular was so wonderful to witness and inspiring in so many ways. For me, a ‘what is the least I can get away with’ kind of person, generally, it looks like magic. In a small way, it is almost gratifying to know that you are struggling a little bit because it makes you human. :)
I am certain there is much more magic to come for you. xoxo
You can always fall back on (Alan) Shepard’s Prayer:
“Please, Lord, Don’t Let Me Fuck This Up.”
Hey Amanda,
I started following CreativeDC ages ago, and have been reading about your move with much interest. I’m ensconced in DC myself, and really admire your taking this leap. Hang in there! You’re on a great adventure. DC will always be here when/if you want to come back (or perhaps, as I first wrote without thinking, come home? :) ).
Take care,
Allison
You realize that the Universe always provides, right? I can’t wait to see the post when you get exactly what you wish. I bet it will be even more brilliant than the shine on this one. :-)
This is a great prayer. You put it all out there. Sorry you’re so tired and so stressed. But now you’ve asked. Be patient on the receiver’s end.
P.S. You’re a really talented improv actress.
Thanks so much everyone (even you, WOV)… it is really powerful to have people rooting for me out there, even if I haven’t met all of you in person. So THANK YOU.
Can I borrow your prayer? I will say it daily until maybe, kinda, maybe someday the weight on my chest lifts…like you, my brainiac head knows there are far worse things in this life…but my emotional head cannot. stop. harping. on.
You’ve summed it up. Now. Universe? We’ll try to do our part…no, we WILL do our part..just come back with a bit of…smiling on use.
Molly adds to the debate Anne Lamott’s all-purpose prayers, depending on where you are on the sine wave:
1) “Help, Help, Help”
2) “Thank you, thank you, thank you”
Actually, she paraphrased into one I like far better:
“Please, please, please; Help Help Help.”
Amanda,
Gosh do I know prayers like this. This is my third time moving back to NYC and for a long time we had a real love hate relationship. I get it. Seriously. And know that I am out here cheering you on. NYC is a crazy, f’ed up place. But it also holds so much opportunity and promise and magic. It’s just hard to see them and hear them sometimes. When you feel like you can’t hang on, just give me a ring or send me a note. In this city, all we’ve got is each other to keep us going. And take a yoga class at Sonic. Seriously, it’s an amazing community and it changed my life to join them.
WOV/Molly – I remember reading those prayers from Anne Lamott… what a great reminder. “Help help help” it is (“Thank you” comes so much more easily to me, for some reason…)
Christa: You’re a godsend. I’m so glad to know you and to know you’ve felt this way (though I’m sorry you’ve felt this way!). I’ll have to check out Sonic this weekend. (So funny that it’s a burger chain as well…but I digress.) Really looking forward to our walk next week :)
I loved the honesty in this. Hang in there, Amanda. The Universe loves you! You sound very optimistic about the future and seeing the relief you felt when you decided to move to NYC was inspiring! Take good care.